I. Hate. This. Day. Of all the days in the year, I hate this one far far more than any other. Let’s consider all the people who have no one. Here’s a day that reminds them that they are alone. I hate that just as much as I did when I was single. It’s one of the most depressing things you can feel. It’s even worse if you’re the only person in your group of friends who is currently single. I remember a valentine’s day back at uni, when I sat alone in a big empty student residence as the ONLY person there alone that night. Very depressing.
Apparently, Christmas is a big time for suicide because people feel terrible about being alone. At least you’ve got less chance of being alone at Christmas than you have on Valentines Day. At Christmas, all you need is friends. Even family will do. I know some people have neither of those, but there are far less of those people in the world, than there are people who have nobody who loves them in a romantic way. I hate this day for making people feel alone. I hate it when any day puts pressure on people to do things they wouldn’t ordinarily do on that day, if they had a choice about it.
And don’t be thinking that this day is any better when you’re not alone. I hate Valentines Day every bit as much when I’ve with somebody as when I’ve not. Once again there’s too much pressure out on you. What are you supposed to do anyway? Tell that special someone that you love them? Do you know when I last did that? It happens several times each day. First thing in the morning and last thing at night. At the end of every phone call, and every time we part company. What I’m saying is, if Allison has any doubts that I love her, it’s not as a result of the number of times I tell her. Then suddenly there’s a day when I have to communicate these feelings in a greeting card. On this day, words and actions are not enough. On this day I have to part with cash. Because nothing says I love you like spending money on pointless crap.
What pointless crap do we have to buy? Oh there’s so much to choose from. You could blow your cash on some type of small stuffed animal. How about a greeting card that’s the size of your big screen TV? Some gifts are better than others, but I gather the more useless a gift is, the better it is. You are shitty boyfriends and husbands. Did you actually take the time to go to a shop and buy a small bear, holding a heart that says “I wuv you” on it? No you didn’t, and that’s why you’re shit.
What is it we’re actually celebrating anyway? Valentines day is actually an old Christian festival. A day when they celebrate saints that weren’t saintly enough to get their own day. Those guys were known as Valentines, hense Valentines Day. There’s no Saint Valentine. There’s no ‘s in the name of the day, it doesn’t belong to a guy name Valentine. There are many Valentines, so we have Valentines Day. Do you know who added the romantic aspect to today? Chaucer. Another great contribution to the world from he Britain of old. Sorry about this. I hated Chaucer when I had to study it at school and I hate him even more now. And just to rub it in a little more, Wikipedia lists Valentines Day as a commercial holiday. Purely money and business based. There’s talk of marketing efforts to bring the day to countries that have never heard of it. So all this pressure you feel either to be with somebody you don’t have, or to make extra effort for no reason, is all truly about getting your money out of you. Nothing more.
But it’s all handled so well. Arguing against Valentines Day is like arguing against blocking child porn on the internet. Yes we know that it’s censorship and probably the top if a slippery slope towards the censorship of other material, but why wouldn’t you want to stop pedophiles getting illegal images? You might personally object to absolutely everything about Valentines Day, but here’s nothing you can do about it. Why wouldn’t you want to spend a day buying shitty presents and cards for your loved one? Well, for the reasons I’ve laid out above. But that’s not good enough.
Finally, here’s a tip for other guys. Every woman I have ever been in a relationship has agreed with me on every point I’ve made here. They have all said what a bad day it is and that we shouldn’t bother with it. They will then get you at least a card. For people in relationships, Valentines Day is a test. I hate it.
This is the end of my rant. I should point out that this is not inspired by any negative goings on in our house, if anything it stems from trying to rebel agains a manufactured feeing of guilt and inadequacy that doesn’t exist on any other day of the year.
Before I leave you, I just want to remind you that a heart shape is based on the shape of a woman’s bottom when she’s bending over. Not on the shape of an actual heart.
There are loads of people in the world who don’t believe in evolution. To some degree that’s OK, because it doesn’t matter if you believe in evolution, because it’s a scientific theory, and your believing in it makes absolutely no difference. Those who don’t believe, might tell you that there’s no proof. I disagree. There’s proof in the news right now.
Before I begin, I’ll explain evolution very simply. Imagine you got a group of people. Some of the men are big and strong, some are small and weak. The women of the group are programmed to like men who are big and strong. So they find these men and have children with them. Those babies turn out to be big and strong. The men who are small and weak have trouble finding women to have babies with, and so in the next generation of people, there are more big and strong people, and fewer small and weak people. Over time, other things become a factor, such as women preferring men who are clever, rather than big. This leads to people generally getting cleverer. Genetic abnormalities are weeded out, because if you’ve got three eyes, it’s very hard to get somebody to shag you.
So here’s the proof. Have you heard of Neknominate? It’s where you drink a load of something that nearly kills you, video it, and challenge other people to drink something that gets you even closer to death. Simple. In the UK somebody died because they necked a pint of vodka. Most of us are clever enough to know that downing a pint of vodka will kill you. Most of us get to go on and have babies that we will tell not to drink a pint of vodka. Whereas those of us who think it’s funny to do that, are dead, and have no babies. That’s evolution.
You want further proof? After vodka boy dies, his mum goes on the news and tells us what a bright boy he was and that the Neknominate game has to stop. Err, no. He wasn’t bright, he downed a pint of vodka. And it wasn’t the game that made him do it, he made himself do it. So mum is a bit thick too. Evolution.
If you feel compelled to play Neknominate, please feel free to do so. The UK gene pool could do with a little bit of crud skimming off the top.