So, apparently Battlefield V isn’t selling well. That means that not many people have pre ordered the game, because it isn’t actually out yet.

The internet is ablaze with a faction of aggressively gay men who hate the sight of women, and are claiming responsibility for the drop in sales. If you put women in your game people won’t buy it, they say. People aren’t buying the game so the aggressive gays think their reason, is the reason why. They like to cover up how much they hate women by making the argument that women weren’t on the front lines in World War 2, so they shouldn’t be in a game set on the front lines in World War 2. It’s all about historical accuracy. It’s all about making their game as realistic as possible. Because what you don’t want in a game where you can be shot in the head multiple times without being killed, is a lack of realism. When’s the last time you were shot? I haven’t done it myself, but I’ve heard that even if you’re shot a couple of times, it might be best to set aside some recovery time. I imagine that Battlefield V has adequate activities to keep you occupied as you spend months recuperating in a French hospital, learning to walk again after you lost part of your leg to a grenade.

But is this lack of realism really why people aren’t pre ordering Battlefield V? I can definitely accept that there are some men out there who are either so repulsed by, or afraid of women, that they can’t buy a game if it has a picture of a woman on the box, but I don’t accept that there are all that many of them. A couple of years ago, my girlfriend and I were taken on a night out in Sam Francisco’s Castro district, otherwise known as the happiest gay place on Earth. There were loads of them, and yet not a single one appeared to have a problem with Allison’s presence. I can’t imagine how gay you have to be to be upset by the cover of a video game box, but it’s clearly a lot gayer than your average gay. The Uber-Gay night account for seven or eight fewer pre orders, but not the dramatic drop off that Battlefield V is seeing.

Is it possible that this is something to do with loot boxes? Could it be that EA spent the last few years making main stream media headlines, with the new and inventive ways they’ve come up with to remove every penny possible from a customer base they have total contempt for? Do you think that EA could be seeing a massive drop off in sales because they’ve shown us that they think we’re shit, and now people just don’t want to buy their games anymore? I honestly don’t know what game EA could release to make me give them my money. At this point there is simply nothing they could do to ever win me back as a customer. I watch the internet waiting for news of their inevitable collapse, rubbing my hands together and cackling with an evil glee. There are far far far more people like me in the world than there are Uber-Gays.

It doesn’t stop there either. Why on earth would you preorder Battlefield V? Are they going to run out? What if people are a bit fed up of Battlefield games? There have been loads of them, and they’re all a bit Call of Duty anyway. What about Fortnite? How many former Battlefield players are now getting their shooting fix there instead? There was no Fortnite the last time there was a Battlefield game. Maybe we’re seeing the effects of that now.

In short, there are countless reasons why Battlefield isn’t doing well. We have absolutely no idea which of those reasons are having the worst effect on sales. When Anthem launches, we’ll have a better idea. I think it’s going to be another flop because it’s a game from EA, and people are clever enough to know not to buy those. That said, we haven’t seen box art, so we don’t know if there will be a woman on the cover.